Metal Mommy

This morning I had the dreaded ‘womanly’ procedure that I’ve been nervous about since I found out I had to do it. WARNING TO ALL MEN: you may just want to skip this post, my friends of the male persuasion. If you don’t like to hear about periods or the word PAD makes you squeamish, you won’t want to hear about this. !

Basically I’ve been having funky periods and some serious cramping a week before getting it. Not so fun. An ultrasound at my new gyno revealed that ‘uterine polyps’ could be the culprit. My doc said they are easy to remove and nothing to worry about—very common little things, but they can reek havoc on the uterus they call home. So! I made an appointment at this clinic to have them removed, and today was the day.

Now I’ve had to deal with some health things in my past…I’ve had two babies, for goodness sakes. I’ve also passed two kidney stones, which was neither fun nor pretty. I’ve had MRI’s and medication for a funky benign fatty tumor on my pituitary gland. (not going into that one…!) This actual procedure sounded pretty easy and I wasn’t too worried about it itself. It was the ‘conscious sedation’ thing that made me lose a little sleep. Such a drag—I would really love to just comfortably and willingly bask in a lawful and acceptable lovely high for a little while…but NO, my crazy bod has decided it likes to try to reject almost any foreign substance that is put into it. I tend to have really weird reactions to meds. When those papers come with your prescription that mention the 3% of people who get some crazy side effect, I’m one of those 3%. It stinks. It’s always the thing I freak about first, not what I’m actually going through. Most people look at meds as their savior when they are going through something–not I. I wonder what the heck it’s going to do to me. So being mildly ‘put under’ with this procedure today had me biting my nails.

My dear friend and neighbor Dawn offered to drive me there and Coreman was picking me up, since I wasn’t supposed to be driving. I couldn’t wait to tell the anesthesiologist all of my crazy ‘allergies’, I needed to make sure this guy was ON BOARD. He was wonderful. He listened to everything I said and he and the doctor went back and forth about the best cocktail they could give me. They also gave me the option of nothing but some Novocain…the doc said that really she wasn’t even sure I had the polyps at all and she could just take a little looksee at first—then if I needed more work done in there my good friend Dan (the guy who does the drugs) could pump me up with the heavier stuff. That sounded good to me, although I knew I’d have to deal with a little pain on my own in the process. That’s how bad my reactions can be….I’ve gotta choose pain over a good buzz. Dang.

They brought me into a room and put me down on this table. I have to say, it was the most surreal experience I’ve had. They laid me down and put my feet into stirrups—of course. But not just any stirrups, stirrups that had straps on them to hold my legs in. Whoa. I could barely see anything as I had a series of ultra bright lights above my eyes. All of this crazy apparatus was being passed from person to person and over me in that room, and my good friend Dan was on my right putting a bp cuff on me and patting my arm. All of a sudden some bubblegum music from the 1960’s blasts on, and all of the medical personnel in the room start laughing and doing their ‘medical speak’ gibberish. Let’s just hope what they were saying wasn’t ‘what a funny vagina’ in Gynish. I felt like I had been abducted by aliens and they were experimenting on me….or I was on an episode of ER, complete with soundtrack. I daresay if it weren’t for the anxiety I felt just being there and the occasional heavy crampy twinge (I did say ‘ow’ a few times out loud, I must admit)–ok, and the fact that my vajayjay was right there for all to see– it would have actually been fun. Much better than a stuffy old hospital, I have to say. It made me feel pretty good about this new place of mine that I’m going.

It all came down to the doc not seeing any polyp and me needing nothing but a little biopsy just to make sure all is A-OK. No big-time crazy-makin’ drugs, I was in and out of the office in about 20 minutes. I have to admit I was feeling pretty spunky having everyone in that room calling me ‘tough’ after going through it without the meds. Metal Mommy indeed! I did mention that they needed some heavy metal music in there instead of the 60’s stuff, but they probably won’t listen to me. Somehow those heavy guitar chords just seems so much more fitting when someone is clambering around in your Lady Bits, as my friend Barb calls them.

Not only am I happy that it was quick and relatively easy but I’m especially happy that I am coming out of this only feeling a bit tired and with a slight headache. I’ve got a Tae Kwon Do test of Sullivan’s to attend tonight, and I was SO bummed at the idea of possibly missing it! Yes, my boy has earned the right to test for his first new belt, white with a stripe. He’s doing it! I think I will probably be an emotional wreck seeing him there doing that. It just means so much to see him getting rewarded for the work that is especially hard for him. I’m so proud! He is too, he said he can’t WAIT for the test. Not even a bit nervous! And he actually was telling me how much he likes karate. Hallelujah!

And a final note about just how lucky and blessed I am to have such wonderful people in my life. This was just a small thing I went through, and I had all of these friends offer to help. Dawn drove me to the clinic, Stephanie is bringing us dinner. My friend Eugenia stopped by with some delicious Chinese onion pancakes because she knows we love them. People I don’t even really know on the web site I work on were wishing me well and saying they would pray for me today. It totally warms the heart, I have to say. I’ve been on the verge of tears all day. With my friends and my loving family I have such an amazing support system and for that I am so very grateful. Even some dudes on Facebook are wishing me well, and it’s a big deal that they will even READ anything about Lady Bits, let alone talk about it.